Sometimes It's Just Got To Be Done

"It's not what happened to you, it's how it affected you that matters"

I heard that phrase from a mentor about twenty years ago.  We were discussing an experience that had happened in my childhood but was affecting me in my day to day life. What I have learned since that day is, it's not just what happened to us or how it affected us that matters but what we DO with the affect.  As I have embraced personal development more and more in my life I have learned that processing events is a critical step of our self-growth.  (and sometimes processing means self-indulgence)

Today I gave my first speech in my Toastmaster's Club.  I had rehearsed the speech a couple of times and was impressed with how relaxed I was about it.  Yet when the Toastmaster (leader of the meeting) started my introduction the nerves kicked in.  I delivered my first line and went on to a simple introduction.  I started my first story which flowed into my second quite easily.  I was impressed with myself for making eye contact and feeling good about the delivery when "it" happened.  My mind went completely blank.  As I tried to understand the only thought I could think was "He knows I messed up".  Unable to process that I attempted to think what my next line was.  As I began to stumble through the next words I realized I needed to go back and explain the purpose of the second story before going on to the third.

I wrapped up the speech in four and a half minutes.  Overall I was pleased with the result but a part of me was unable to function.  It wasn't until my mentor (who had heard my speech before) came up to me after the speech that I realized the thought I had had was about him....  there is much I'm still learning about this experience.  Many things that will help be to give better speeches in the future.

The point of my blog today is self-care.

My little freezing up on the small stage of my Club was really not that big of deal but it has affected me deeply. I went home, I pulled out my computer and I opened up one of my favorite shows "The Good Wife" on CBS.  The show tackles tons of issues around what is right and wrong.  The episode I watched today fit my mood.  The main character, Alicia Florick (played by Julianna Marquiles) is tackling the question of how she has often been the "good" person who cleaned up everyone else's mess.  She's asking herself if she is going to cross the line.

I'm crossing my own line today.
I'm watching "The Good Wife".  I'm watching TV shows during business hours.
Sunday I crossed my own line and ate candy for the first time in months.

These are disciplines I have self-imposed because of habits I wanted to overcome.
I felt controlled by my desire to watch that show and would miss sleep on Sunday night, the night I knew was critical to my starting the week off well.   I was over-eating candy and sweets in a big way too, just as I was spending to much time doing unprofessional things during business hours.

Sometimes it's just got to be done.

This little "stray" is helping me process.

These indulgences give me tactile sensations that the human-side of us needs.
We can't be "on" all the time.  We can't give all the time.  We can't drive ourselves all the time.

If we do we will cause ourselves to collapse.

Collapsing takes so much more out of us!
If we allow ourselves to collapse we risk loosing everything.
If we allow ourselves to indulge we increase our chances of success.

So today I'm watching The Good Wife and relaxing.

It means I have had to restructure my schedule for the day slightly but in the future I now know I will need to plan a little down time after any speech.  It will save me from exhaustion.  It will allow me to process and in the end it will make me a better speech presenter, a better wife and a better person.

How can you allow yourself to process today?
Where might you "indulge" yourself and be human, even just a little?